Holyfield vs Yeltsin

In the aftermath of his stunning upset of Mike Tyson, Evander Holyfield holds the one prize all men envy more dearly than a Hooter's VIP card: the heavyweight championship of the world.

An underdog of mythical proportions, the Real Deal stunned the world when he put Goliath's ass on the canvas, a feat made all the more remarkable when you consider his career was all but KO'ed by heart problems four years ago. If the measure of a boxer is his heart, then we are going to need Dick Gregory and some chain saws just to coax Holyfield's massive pumper out of the second floor bedroom.

But, is he the penultimate heart patient, globally? Consider Russian President, Boris YELTSIN; a world leader with a ticket he put on queer street thanks to years of hard living. As for comebacks, YELTSIN got reelected during a period of time when most Russian voters had every reason to believe he was dead. Now that's what I call bouncing off the canvas after a slumping eight-count. The long-suffering proletariat showed they love their Boris and find another round of communism slightly less appealing than freshman year at the Citadel.

So who is the alpha heart patient? The Mac daddy of cardiac crowd, the guy with more of what the boxing world calls left tit? Boris, Evander, let's see how they stack up at the Tail Of The Tape:

REACH:

HOLYFIELD: 77"

YELTSIN: 65", 69" when reaching for Stoli

ADVANTAGE: Holyfield

SANCTIONED BY:

HOLYFIELD: WBA

YELTSIN: UN

ADVANTAGE: Push, neither is recognized by the WBC

HOW YOU CAN TELL THEM APART:

HOLYFIELD: The red trunks

YELTSIN: The red nose

ADVANTAGE: Holyfield

INTRODUCTIONS:

HOLYFIELD: "In this corner, the heavyweight champion of the world."

YELTSIN: "My name is Boris and I’m an alcoholic."

ADVANTAGE: Holyfield

SAFETY:

YELTSIN: Lives with possibility of assassination

HOLYFIELD: Lives in Atlanta

ADVANTAGE: Yeltsin. Remember the Olympics

ISTINGUISHING COMUNISM-RELATED CHARACTERISTICS OF THE MEN THEY REPLACVED:

HOLYFIELD: Tyson’s Mao tattoo

YELTSIN: Gorbachev’s red port-wine forehead stain

ADVANTAGE: Push

TREATMENT:

HOLYFIELD: Dr. Debakey, elitist heart surgeon

YELTSIN: Benny Hiln, the faith healer with the disturbing Flock of Seagulls pompadour

ADVANTAGE: Holyfield

DEFINITION OF A MIRICLE:

HOLYFIELD: Faith healed my heart

YELTSIN: That they can get booze out of a potato

ADVANTAGE: Whatever gets you through the night...Push

TRAINING REGIMEN:

HOLYFIELD: Spar eight rounds

YELTSIN: Chug eight rounds

ADVANTAGE: YELTSIN

PREDECESSORS:

HOLYFIELD: Ali

YELTSIN: Stalin

ADVANTAGE: Holyfield, although Stalin had a decent left jab

ROBBED OF:

HOLYFIELD: An Olympic gold medal

YELTSIN: Afghanistan

ADVANTAGE: Push

CONSIDERS CHRISTI MARTIN UNDER-CARDS:

HOLYFIELD: A freak show

YELTSIN: Remarkably titillating, almost as good as a woman’s prison movie

ADVANTAGE: YELTSIN

NEVER TURNS HIS BACK ON:

HOLYFIELD: Don King

YELTSIN: Alexander Gerenovsky

ADVANTAGE: Holyfield, King’s more dangerous

RELIGEOUS HIPOCRACY:

HOLYFIELD: Born again Christian divorced first wife

YELTSIN: WAIT! GOD ISN’T DEAD AFTER ALL! WORSHIP AWAY MY FRIENDS!

ADVANTAGE: Hmmmmm...

LOCATION OF HIS NEXT BIG FIGHT:

HOLYFIELD: Las Vegas

YELTSIN: His liver

ADVANTAGE: Holyfield

INTIMIDATION DURING WEIGH-IN:

HOLYFIELD: A cold stare

YELTSIN: An insolent borscht fart

ADVANTAGE: YELTSIN

CANDIDATE FOR:

HOLYFIELD: The heart of a champion

YELTSIN: The heart of a baboon

ADVANTAGE: Holyfield

PURSE:

HOLYFIELD: 11 million dollars

YELTSIN: Black market blue jeans and some day-old meat

ADVANTAGE: Holyfield

HOBBIES:

HOLYFIELD: Sculpting with George Forman’s arterial plaque

YELTSIN: Blackmailing Pavel Bure and Alexander Mogilny

ADVANTAGE: Push!

HOW TO GET SOME EXCITEMENT BACK IN THEIR DIVISIONS:

HOLYFIELD: Lure Frazier out of retirement

YELTSIN: Invade Hungary. Again!

ADVANTAGE: Holyfield

So there you have it. It’s so easy when you break things down scientifically. In a series of little dolls that fit inside each other, the advantage goes to Evander Holyfield. But don’t worry Boris, the loser gets to fight butterbean. I’m Nick Bakay, reminding you, that the numbers never lie.