Married vs Single

They say love means never having to say you're sorry, but as anyone who's made it home from a honeymoon still married knows, love pretty much means always having to say you're sorry...whether you mean it or not.

"I'm sorry I forgot to buy toilet paper. I'm sorry the Brawny is chaffing you. I'm sorry I hate your mother."

And yet, love is what we all hope for, long for; someone to be your partner through life, someone to share your burdens and your successes, someone who doesn't wince when you ask, "Does this look infected?"

And so it's fitting that love should have it's own holiday...in February...when romance is disrupted by phlegmy sneezes and pre-Presidents Day sales.

Valentines Day is both a celebration, and a time to forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive our lovers for trespassing against us. It is a day of atonement. The Yom Kippur of love.

Or is it?

Anyone who's already burned off that starter marriage (hopefully before spawning) and moved on to the next one knows it takes more than love to go the distance. Dedication, true commitment, the gift-buying gene. But even with all those ducks in a row, living under the same roof can at times drive even the Dalai Lama to hurl a set of house keys hard enough to puncture the kitchen wall. And thus, the nagging dilemma: To marry, or not to marry? The warm fuzzies of another waiting at home, or the peace of mind knowing that the remote is still in the same place you left it last night. Married. Single. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of The Tape:

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS:

SINGLE: Anywhere you damn well please.
MARRIED: Pinned between a dog, two cats, and a nightmare-prone "sleep kicker."
ADVANTAGE: Single

MORTGAGE QUESTIONS:

SINGLE: A.R.M. Or fixed?
MARRIED: Why not? I wasn't the one who defaulted on a car loan 16 years ago!
ADVANTAGE: Single

PECKING ORDER:

SINGLE: The cat, you, your imaginary friend.
MARRIED: Whoever is still physically fit.
ADVANTAGE: Married

TYPICAL DINNER:

SINGLE: Betty Crocker brownies, a fistful of almonds, and cold Spaghetti-o's from the can.
MARRIED: Two hours for a chicken recipe the dog won't even eat, followed by a hurtful argument over who's going for take out.
ADVANTAGE: Push

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

SINGLE: You get an extra day's use by turning your underpants inside out, and no one's the wiser (as long as you avoid E.R.'s).
MARRIED: Chances are, you'll have a washer/dryer and never have to turn anything inside out again.
ADVANTAGE: Married

WOMEN KNOW...:

SINGLE: Every shoe store in a 30 mile radius.
MARRIED: When the milk has 12 more hours before it turns.
ADVANTAGE: Single

MEN KNOW...:

SINGLE: Every sports bar in a 30 mile radius.
MARRIED: How to jiggle some widget on the back of the Tivo that makes your neighbor's cell phone calls come through your tv speakers.
ADVANTAGE: Push

EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES:

SINGLE: Teaching "losing your Buffalo accent" as a second language.
MARRIED: "It's not an affair! We just eat lunch together!!"
ADVANTAGE: Push

NO MATTER HOW BAD YOUR DAYS WAS...:

SINGLE: You've got company at the other end of a 900 number.
MARRIED: It's gonna get worse...
ADVANTAGE: Push

SATURDAY NIGHT IS...:

SINGLE: Fraught with possibilities.
MARRIED: The perfect time to finally soak those bunions.
ADVANTAGE: Single

INTIMACY MEANS:

SINGLE: The gentle comfort of your right hand.
MARRIED: Not bothering to close the bathroom door.
ADVANTAGE: Let's move on...

PERCS:

SINGLE: No one will ever know you spent the weekend watching a "mannix" marathon.
MARRIED: Someone to pop those hard-to-reach back zits.
ADVANTAGE: Push

YOU'LL NEVER NEED:

SINGLE: Permission to buy a fight on pay-per-view.
MARRIED: A stranger to tell you it's time to throw out those socks.
ADVANTAGE: Single

HIDDEN EXPENSES:

SINGLE: The spice network.
MARRIED: All those "loans" to your brother-in-law
ADVANTAGE: Single

YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PRETEND...:

SINGLE: That you think those "Girls Gone Wild" ads are demeaning.
MARRIED: That you're looking forward to taking her to the opera.
ADVANTAGE: Push

INTERNET BOOKMARKS:

SINGLE: FearOfIntimacy.Com
MARRIED: InlawProofYourHouse.Com
ADVANTAGE: Push

HAPPINESS IS...:

SINGLE: Your hot bartender date tells you he's been accepted pre med.
MARRIED: Your wife's visiting college roommate is a dead ringer for Jenna Jamison.
ADVANTAGE: Push

ANNUITIES:

SINGLE: There are no early withdrawal penalties on breast implants.
MARRIED: Your second grader is 6'4; the NBA has already called, and you're pricing property in Hawaii.
ADVANTAGE: Married

HONEY, WOULD YOU PLEASE...:

MARRIED: Get over the Valentines Day I forgot twelve years ago?
SINGLE: Stop saying, "Who's your daddy?"
ADVANTAGE: Push

BEWARE OF:

SINGLE: That cute chick at the bar with the huge adam's apple.
MARRIED: 19-year-old Swedish nannies.
ADVANTAGE: Married

UNSPOKEN DISAPPOINTMENTS:

SINGLE: Dinner is interrupted by a phone call from the kids you didn't know he had.
MARRIED: "A new vacuum! What a clever valentine's day gift!"
ADVANTAGE: Married

So there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a grass-is-always-greener squeaker, the advantage goes to push. But not to fret. Married or single, tomorrow's always another day. Just don't tell my spouse I said that...