NY Mets vs NY Yankees

For the first time since 1956, New York City hosts a cross-town fall classic, and if you want a ticket, all you need is a subway token, and fifty grand in unmarked bills for the scalpers. Of course, I'm filing this from LA, where the seventh inning stretch is traditionally spent beating traffic on the freeway ramp, but allow me to register a word of caution:  All this Gotham excitement is a double edged sword that leaves your flanks vulnerable. Yes, I said Flanks!

Because someone has to lose, and that team -- those fans -- will be bagged-on for the rest of their lives.... by their neighbors!  Know what I call that?  A hot, steamin' slice of hell-pie.  With that in mind: The New York Mets.  The New York Yankees.  Let's see how they stack up at the tale of the tape...

WHAT A SUBWAY SERIES
MEANS TO THEM:

METS: Are the trains to the Bronx bullet proof?

YANKEES: What's with the tangy odor in the IRT stairwell?

ADVANTAGE: Push, and call a car service.

LOCALS ASPIRE TO BE:

QUEENS: Teamsters

BRONX: Organ donors

ADVANTAGE: goes to Push, and to dreamers everywhere...

THE DEMAND FOR TICKETS RIVALS:

YANKEES: Make Ed Whitson Cry Night

METS: John Rocker D-cell battery night.

ADVANTAGE: Push, no one wins when Joe Fan gets pushed aside for VIP's and league officials

WHERE CAN FANS SHOW THEIR LOYALTY AND PAY 32 BUCKS FOR SOME SOGGY POTATO SKINS?:

METS: Rusty Staubs

YANKEES: Mickey Mantles

ADVANTAGE: Push, and a reminder: only the ESPN Zone in times square offers 'Nick Bakay fajitas' -- guaranteed to burn twice!

FLASHING SOME PLAYOFF LEATHER:

METS: Buckner

YANKEES: Mayer

ADVANTAGE: Push

PLAYER NAMES THAT SOUND LIKE INTESTINAL DISORDERS:

METS: an nasty case of Agbayani

YANKEES: a pesky bout with the Jeters

ADVANTAGE: Push

 
FANS BEWARE:

METS: Piazza might steal your date

YANKEES: Knoblach might brush back your mom!

ADVANTAGE: Push

THE SIGNATURE LOOK OF LEADERSHIP:

George Steinbrenner's: white turtleneck

Bobby Valentine's: Mission Impossible peel-off face...(Disguised in dugout with beard)

ADVANTAGE: Push

WHAT BATTERS MUST LEARN TO BLOCK OUT:

SHEA STADIUM: The air traffic from Laguardia

YANKEE STADIUM: The screams of neighborhood victims

ADVANTAGE: Push

HOW THEY KEEP FANS OFF THE FIELD:

YANKEES: Line the stands with mounties

METS: Announce that John Rocker is loitering in the parking lot.

ADVANTAGE: Push

SIGHT SEEING IN THE OUTFIELD:

YANKEE STADIUM: Monument park

SHEA STADIUM: The bullpen where David Cone allegedly flashed his Cy Young...

ADVANTAGE: Push

 

BOROUGH SLOGANS:

QUEENS: We're to blame for Donald Trump!

THE SOUTH BRONX: it's Death-tastic!

ADVANTAGE: Push

IT WOULDN'T BE OLD TIMER'S DAY WITHOUT:

METS: Gary Carter referring to himself in the third person...

YANKEES: The traditional unveiling of Joe Pepitone's wig.

ADVANTAGE: Push

So there you have it.  It's so simple when you break things down scientifically.  This one had more pushing than the subway at rush hour, so in a pucker up and kiss your sister stunner, the advantage goes... to PUSH.  But hang in there New York, you still have the musical Cats, now and forever!  Oh, wait, you don't.  Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.