RELOCATION IS A DIRTY WORD

For those of you who missed my intermission report during the ESPN broadcast of the Nets/Knicks game, my first reaction to the Nets rumored move to Brooklyn? It revives a good team with an identity problem, and it soothes the wounds of a borough that’s been moaning ever since ‘dem bums beat feet for the west coast.

But you know something? I was wrong. The Nets should stay.

Did you ever think the problem isn’t the Jersey fan base? Maybe it’s the fact that the Nets have never really embraced their Jersey roots? Part of the blame has to go to the Jets and the Giants for playing in Jersey for decades, yet never claiming it as home. And note how they call it “The Meadowlands”? Who knows where the hell that is? It’s beyond generic, and it’s all a part of the insidious plan to make New Jersey feel like it’s not a big time sports area. Come on, there are millions of people in New Jersey – if you cut them do they not bleed? If their team loses on a last second buzzer-beater, do they not curse like Tony Soprano?

And let’s look at the proposed move – Newsflash: Brooklyn’s gentrified -- Seven figures buys you a quaint stoop that needs work, and a big night on the town means Manhattan, baby! Rich folks don’t even get slightly aroused unless their sitting courtside… at a Knicks game.

And that’s only for starters – If the Nets move, here’s what hey’ll be chasing on the pecking order of NYC priorities:

• The Yankees. Let’s face it, they’ve won more championships than Nets have years in existence
• The Giants and The Jets – your teams, but they claim them!
• The Knicks
• The Mets
• Even the “We missed the playoffs for the seventh straight year!” Rangers!
• The WNBA Liberty? Advantage: Push…

Okay, we’re out of sports franchises, you’re breathing easy? Not so fast! You’re still behind…

• Trump’s eyebrows
• Fashion week
• The Times Sunday Crossword puzzle
• Amateur night at the Apollo
• And Museums! 600 of ‘em!

Shtoink! You’ve been Guggenheimed! You’re also behind bialys, rubbing up against strangers on the subway… hell, people will pass you up for a relatively hygienic Sabrette cart! Know what else New Yorkers care about more than Nets basketball?

Musical theater! Check some of the current offerings gracing The Great White Way:
“Fame on 42nd street” – “The highs and lows of high schoolers in a quest for success!” you want to be four back in line behind a quest like that?
“Avenue. Q”: “Set on a NYC street where people and puppets peacefully live as neighbors.” Go back! It’s a trap!

You can turn this thing around -- You’re ranked seventh in NBA attendance – imagine how those turnstiles would spin if you put Dr. J’s ‘fro on those Jerseys? And drop this New Jersey Nets stuff and pick a city – why not The Newark Nets? Perth Amboy? I don’t care -- cities with big chips on their shoulders mean gazunta fan loyalty.

Then get a name the locals can relate to! The Satriali Porks, Sinatra – “The Francis Alberts”? Beats the hell out of Raptors – yeah, good move, name your team after Jurassic Park – that has legs… or how about Jersey’s own Thomas Alva Edison – hey, if it weren’t for him, the YES! Network would be charging 3 cents a month for two tin cans connected by a string!

Bottom line, it’s a sports sin to abandon your fans – do it, and you’ll be roasting on Beelzebub’s spit next to Brooklyn’s own O’Malleys! There, I said it! Or maybe you’re ready to play second fiddle in an NBA town. Can you say “The New Clippers?” Are we kids, or what?

From the lounge, I remain…

Nick Bakay