Soldiers vs Cons

Still deciding between a patriotic military career and thug life? Do you get mixed up wondering why the more than just a few good men in jail aren't assimilated into the military, which has it's share of criminals? Maybe this first non-sports TOT can help make that decision a little less weighty.

PERKS:

SOLDIERS: Room, board, educational benefits

CONS: Room, board, randy new girlfriend named Devil James

ADVANTAGE: Soldiers

SEXUAL POLICY:

SOLDIERS: Don't ask, don't tell

CONS: Don't scream, don't die

ADVANTAGE: Soldiers

ON GUARD:

SOLDIERS: When superior officers are present

CONS: I could'a been a contender, if Mom stopped using

ADVANTAGE: Cons

CUISINE:

SOLDIERS: Slop from industrial canisters

CONS: Brown stuff, green stuff, white stuff, ketchup

ADVANTAGE: Cons. I l-ove ketchup.

MEMBERSHIP REWARDS:

SOLDIERS: Paid leave

CONS: Does Devil James count?

ADVANTAGE: Soldiers

SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE:

SOLDIERS: Gun to head got peace treaty signed

CONS: Devil James paroled, now lonely

ADVANTAGE: Cons

COVERT ACTIVITIES:

SOLDIERS: Supplying arms to "bad guys"

CONS: Devil James' collection of snitch's ears

ADVANTAGE: Push

DOWNSIDE:

SOLDIERS: Guilt from aiding and abetting in the violent slaughter of humanity for profit and global power

CONS: Explaining to the kids why Devil James is their new mommy.

ADVANTAGE: Push

SLANG:

SOLDIERS: Snafu is of military origin and stands for situation normal, all effed up.

CONS: Tits is jailspeak for drugs

ADVANTAGE: Push

DEATH BENEFIT:

SOLDIERS: Free plot in gargantuan field teeming with identical tombstones

CONS: Free plot in gargantuan field teeming with seagulls.

ADVANTAGE: That's a push

CONSEQUENCE OF MUTINY:

SOLDIERS: Trial by court martial

CONS: Thirty days in the hole, then, ten thousand, nine hundred and twenty more days, and you're nude.

ADVANTAGE: Soldiers

REMEMBER THE:

SOLDIERS: Alamo

CONS: Attica

ADVANTAGE: Push

HEALTH CARE:

SOLDIERS: Pretty darn good

CONS: Exotic immigrant street dentists, medical school skin-of-their-teeth graduates, Boozing MD's working off their community service hours.

ADVANTAGE: Soldiers

PROGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR:

SOLDIERS: Boot camp, soldier, officer, civic leader

CONS: State, federal, maximum security, solitary

ADVANTAGE: Soldiers

So there you have it. In the battle between the lesser of two evils, the soldiers clearly take this hill. What remains a mystery however, is why Oz is so very popular, and that there hasn't been a good army show since MASH. But, don't worry; those network TV executives know what they're doing.

xoxo,RB