The Fedorovs vs The Risons

Love means never having to say you're sorry, and if you don't believe it, consider two warriors who have walked the walk:

Andre Rison made his fame hauling in tough passes over the middle, yet he remains a moth to the flame of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, the woman who torched his Hot'lanta mansion. When their wedding plans hit the wall, hopeless romantics everywhere felt we'd hit rock bottom...

But then, news broke that Sergei Fedorov and Anna Kournikova had survived her girlish peccadilloes and were married earlier this month in a small, private ceremony...that apparently never happened.

It's time to sort through the wreckage.

The Fedorovs and the Risons: two super couples, two over-reported, under-realized unions, and what might have been. Let's see how they stack up in the Tale of the Tape:

PRE-NUPS:

THE RISONS: Codicil 1-A: No smoking in bed

THE FEDOROVS: Longer than "War & Peace"

ADVANTAGE: Push

WHO BROKE THE RUMOR:

THE RISONS: They did

THE FEDOROVS: They didn't

ADVANTAGE: The Fedorovs

GROOM'S SECRET DESIRES:

THE RISONS: Pepa

THE FEDOROVS: To marry Anna Kournikova...and to fly.

ADVANTAGE: Andre

BRIDES SECRET DESIRES:

THE RISONS: Destiny Child's wallowing in Spice Girls-esque agony

THE FEDOROVS: That people could look past her tennis and see her physical beauty

ADVANTAGE: The Fedorovs

AT THE HEART OF THE MATTER:

THE RISONS: Love?

THE FEDOROVS: Uh...Green Card?

ADVANTAGE: Push

HOW THE PROPOSED:

THE RISONS: Penned a rap that rhymed "wedding" with "bling bling"

THE FEDOROVS: Went five-hole with a diamond ring

ADVANTAGE: Push. All's fair ...

COMMITMENT TO EXCELLENCE:

THE RISONS: Andre's gal sports a Raider eye patch

THE FEDOROVS: Sergei's gal would never trade him for Jason Allison

ADVANTAGE: The Risons

COMPLICATIONS:

THE RISONS: Left Eye would have to absorb Andre's debts

THE FEDOROVS: The most interesting thing about a married Anna? Her won-lost record

ADVANTAGE: The Fedorovs

RING INSCRIPTIONS:

THE RISONS: "Caution: Contents flammable"

THE FEDOROVS: "Caution: Contents could erase your hard drive."

ADVANTAGE: Push

FIRST DANCE:

THE RISONS: "Burning Down the House"

THE FEDOROVS: "No Scrubs"

ADVANTAGE: The Risons! Oh, the irony!

WRITING THEIR OWN VOWS:

THE RISONS: "How 'bout a little fire, Scarecrow?"

THE FEDOROVS: "I promise to love, honor...and move out of Pavel Bure's condo."

ADVANTAGE: The Fedorovs

HONEYMOONS WOULD HAVE BEEN MARRED BY:

THE RISONS: Subpoenas

THE FEDOROVS: Paparazzi

ADVANTAGE: The Risons

WOULD HAVE SOLD EXCLUSIVE WEDDING PICS TO:

THE RISONS: The Source

THE FEDOROVS: Pravda

ADVANTAGE: The Risons

NEW ADDRESSES:

THE RISONS: The limbo of a four-game suspension

THE FEDOROVS: The glamour that is Hockeytown

ADVANTAGE: The Fedorovs

BEST MAN'S TEETH:

THE RISONS: Guilded with symbols of the Wu-Tang Clan

THE FEDOROVS: Missing

ADVANTAGE: The Risons

So, there you have it. In a tip-drill bouquet that lands in turnover town, the advantage goes to...the Risons! Can you say upset?

But hang in there, Anna and Serg. As a married couple, you just become the next Ward and June Cleaver, and we're back to wondering which Playmate Cade McNown is dating.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.