The NCAA vs The Sopranos

They're untouchable. They're self-important governing bodies who live by a code and take the law into their own hands. They're the NCAA and the Sopranos - and they're both about as welcome in their respective worlds as a flesh-eating virus. Turns out that policing the big money world of collegiate sports isn't so different than riding herd over the rat holes of underground commerce. What is it they say about absolute power? The NCAA. The Sopranos. Let's see how they stack up at the tale of the tape:

TURF:

NCAA: College campuses across America

SOPRANOS: The back streets of New Jersey

ADVANTAGE: The Sopranos

BIG MONEY MAKERS:

NCAA: The Final Four

SOPRANOS: The Ba da Bing

ADVANTAGE: NCAA

INTIMIDATORS:

NCAA: Cedric Dempsey

SOPRANOS: Big Pussy

ADVANTAGE: The Sopranos (Come on - his name is Big Pussy)

YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR... :

NCAA: "Where did your point guard get that car?"

SOPRANOS: "Get in the effin car."

ADVANTAGE: Push

"WITNESS RELOCATION":

NCAA: A new school where you'll be eligible to play again in your 30's

SOPRANOS: A new city where the cactus is better than the marijuana

ADVANTAGE: The Sopranos. You can't get good sauce on-line.

YEAH RIGHT:

NCAA: "Most of our kids graduate"

SOPRANOS: "I'm in waste management"

ADVANTAGE: The Sopranos

ACTS OF TREASON:

NCAA: Borrowing $100 so Mom can pay the gas bill

SOPRANOS: Wearing a wire

ADVANTAGE: Push

POWER TO TAKE...:

NCAA: Scholarships

SOPRANOS: Whatever they damn well please

ADVANTAGE: The Sopranos

THE BODIES ARE BURIED AT...:

NCAA: Your local juco

SOPRANOS: Giants Stadium

ADVANTAGE: NCAA

COMPASSION:

NCAA: Huh?

SOPRANOS: A sip of diet Fanta before your blind date with Mr. Lead.

ADVANTAGE: The Sopranos

HOLIDAYS:

NCAA: Traditional slicing of network revenue pie

SOPRANOS: Feast of San Gennaro

ADVANTAGE: NCAA

WHAT THEY COULD DO FOR EACH OTHER:

NCAA: Strengthen surveillance skills

SOPRANOS: Explain why point- shaving is good

ADVANTAGE: Push

DON'T SCREW 'EM OR ELSE...:

NCAA: Two Words: Death penalty

SOPRANOS: They'll whack you and send a dead fish to your boss

ADVANTAGE: The Sopranos. If it were up to them, SMU wouldn't even exist.

So, there you have it, it's all so simple when you break it down scientifically: In a true old-country knee-breaker, the advantage goes to the Sopranos. Hey, if they cripple a guy they will, at least, build him a ramp for his wheelchair. I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.