Tomb Raider vs Mr. Raider

Angelina Jolie and Al Davis: Both are now synonymous with Raider franchises, but who is the ultimate marauder?

Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape...

TRANSFORMATIONS:

MR. RAIDER: A Hollywood team gone Oakland

TOMB RAIDER: A video game gone Hollywood

ADVANTAGE: Tomb Raider

 
LIPS:

MR. RAIDER: The size of Earth worms

TOMB RAIDER: The size of Earth

ADVANTAGE: Tomb Raider

 
ACTION WEAR:

MR. RAIDER: Kranky Kevlar sweatsuit

TOMB RAIDER: A musty, busty T-shirt

ADVANTAGE: Tomb Raider

 
DO THEY WEAR GAUDY JEWELRY?:

MR. RAIDER: Yes

TOMB RAIDER: No

ADVANTAGE: Mr. Raider

 
MOTTO:

MR. RAIDER: Just sue, baby

TOMB RAIDER: Just pout, baby

ADVANTAGE: Tomb Raider
 

NECKLACE OF CHOICE:

MR. RAIDER: A simple strand of commissioner's ears

TOMB RAIDER: Vial of Billy Bob's blood

ADVANTAGE: Mr. Raider

NEMESIS:

MR. RAIDER: Pick 'em

TOMB RAIDER: Sleeping demons

ADVANTAGE: Push

 
AGE:

MR. RAIDER: Older than rope

TOMB RAIDER: Old enough

ADVANTAGE: Tomb Raider

 

WHERE THEY HIDE THEIR GUNS:

MR. RAIDER: Tucked into his ankle-high booties

TOMB RAIDER: In her lips

ADVANTAGE: Tomb Raider

 
GOALS:

MR. RAIDER: A commitment to excellence

TOMB RAIDER: A commitment to a sequel

ADVANTAGE: Mr. Raider

 
WHAT THEY PLUNDER:

MR. RAIDER: Your local government

TOMB RAIDER: Your Doritos

ADVANTAGE: Push!

 
THINK A TIE IS LIKE:

MR. RAIDER: Kissing his sister

TOMB RAIDER: Kissing her brother

ADVANTAGE: Push.  Nobody wins here, kids.

 
LEGACIES THEY MUST LIVE UP TO:

MR. RAIDER: His own

TOMB RAIDER: A digital sex symbol to computer geeks

ADVANTAGE: Tomb Raider

 
WIPING THE FLOOR WITH:

MR. RAIDER: The Chargers

TOMB RAIDER: The box office hopes of "Moulin Rouge"

ADVANTAGE: Mr. Raider

PUNKS:

MR. RAIDER: Owners who vote against him

TOMB RAIDER: Her fan base

ADVANTAGE: Mr. Raider

 
POPULARITY IS BASED ON:

MR. RAIDER: The vertical game

TOMB RAIDER: The horizontal game

ADVANTAGE: Tomb Raider

 
DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS:

MR. RAIDER: One simple eye patch

TOMB RAIDER: Two...well, you know

ADVANTAGE: Tomb Raider, in a squeaker

So, there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a spiraling kick to the coffin corner, the advantage goes to Lara Croft: Tomb Raider! But hang in there, Big Al. I hear she would have benched Marcus Allen, too.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.